Valero at Austin Hwy and Walzem

Of all the Men’s Rooms you can visit, by far the most treacherous option is that of the gas station.  Some places give you a lockpick with an anchor attached key to an (appropriately) detached structure, and other places have the Men’s Room right inside, but when leaving, you need a chemical bath and UV rays to kill whatever amoeba it was you picked up in there.

And while scraping your mom’s phone number off the stall walls feels chivalrous - if even a bit heroic - coming out of these places makes you just.  Feel.  Filthy.

That said, the Men’s Room at the Valero on the corner of Austin Highway and Walzem is superb.  Yes, you don’t want to be caught anywhere around that area of town after sunset, but between the hours of 7AM an 5PM, this Men’s Room really is a diamond in the rough.

A sheen reminiscent of my forehead

Bare and unassuming, the door was nicely varnished and showed no signs of abuse or disrepair.  Never quite figured out what that steel kickplate on the bottom was for – maybe protection from gunfire when you hit the floor during a robbery.

Best.  Ad placement.  Ever.

Okay, so the scenery’s not very majestic, or comfortable even, but the walls are clean, and the two-tone tiles helped dial down the otherwise harsh fluorescent glare.

Hey: we mean business here.

Just pull, dry, and drop.

Though a little low on paper towels, there were plenty, save for the homeless guy with OCD who comes in and just can’t get the stink of stray cat off his hands.  I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Stray dog.

All present.  And with backup.

Sure, the toilet paper is single-ply, but there was enough to use twice as much.  Just fold it over and pretend you’re using two-ply.

It’s just me?  Riiiiiiight…

Just look how clean this is!

I’m speechless.  Look at that business station: it’s perfect!  Everything is within an arm’s reach, and the air freshener works.  So clean and so functional.   What more do you want when you're on the road?

Though they don't have a changing station and the neighboring area is seedier than freshly strewn Winter Rye, the Men's Room - and the two women running the registers who know most of their clientele by name - make this a great stop when you're in a bind.

Even if you're binding up.  (Sorry.  Couldn't pass on that one.)

Four pucks.