Target at 410 and Blanco (in Park North)

You know what's great about Target?  It's not Walmart.

Sure, some small town readers of this blog (lookin' at you, Oklahoma: thanks for the two hits!) may get all up in unlicensed-side-arms about that, but that's only because you haven't had a Target land in your town.  Only then can you see - and smell - the differences: the lack of clothes lying around in the aisles, employees smiling 'cause they're getting paid, a largely employed customer base...    

No kids running around, no two-packs of toothbrushes that once housed three, and a Pharmacy that refuses to fill your hand-written prescription for 'Sizzurp.'

"Hey, wait a minnut!  Wharm I suppozed to git mah tahrs an' awl changed?"  Exactly.

But does the Men's Room at this Target behind the great Alamo Drafthouse (and ye olde Central Park Mall) reflect Target's supremacy over Walmart?  

In short: holy effing cow yes.

Just a door.  Nothing to see here.

Finally: a door advertising wheelchair accessibility that's actually wheelchair accessible.  No knob turning, no handle pushing - just start the door with a little push and roll right in.  I'm looking out for all people confined to wheelchairs, except those lazy honks sloped in the mechanized shopping carts: I can't believe we share the same oxygen.

Fancy-Schmanzy 

When you first enter, it has a hallway.  See?  All that space could be going to retail, but Target cares: they want you to enjoy their Men's Room experience, and proof of that is...

Angels can actually be heard singing

Check it.  Beautiful by retail bathroom standards, and impeccable by public use restroom criteria.  Spacious, insanely clean, and free of malodorous bleach smell, you walk in to this Men's Room and can't believe you're at a Target.  If they threw in a bathtub, I think I'd stay the night here.

Is this Target, or the MoMA?

Look at these sinks!  So aesthetically pleasing... it was the public Men's Room equivalent to Phoebe Cates' coming out of the pool in 'Fast Times.'  Instant warm water, no gum or loogies on the stopper cap or flange on any of them.  In fact, I'd say they were the highlights of the bathroom, up until I turned around and saw...

Men's Room escape pods.

These.  Who WOULDN'T want to use these urinals?  Offset to compensate for height differences, oval in shape, and curved toward the inside to minimize the dreaded backsplash.  Awesome.  Simply awesome.  No darkened pantshins here!

Just me?  Oh.  Then... **coughs**

Of COURSE they've got one of these!

Xlerators bring a whole new dimension to hand drying, and it was only to be assumed that this Target's Men's Room would have one.  (Sorry.  We're spoiled now.)  They're good looking, compact, and can turn mud into sand in fifteen seconds.

100% recycled steel.

Okay, so that caption may be a little baseless, but I like to think that's exactly what these stall doors and supports in a retail Men's Room of this opulence would be made of.  A Men's Room Fortress of Solitude, the walls weren't wobbly and the doors locked tightly.  At one point, I thought - THOUGHT - I heard the voice of Jor-El.

You could park your car in here.

Look at all that room!  Yes, this is the wheelchair access stall (AKA: the Handicapped Suite), but all the stalls were spacious, clean, and down right charming by Men's Room standards.  But wait!  What's this?

Jor-El's slippin'.

Nnnnooooooo!!!!!!  WhyWhyWhyWhyWhy???  Unbe-LEE-vable, Target!  This was like finding a hair on your plate at The French Laundry.  What's worse is: this is the HANDICAPPED STALL.  If you have ONE stall loaded with toilet paper, it should be the stall that could have a tenant preoccupied with his chair and those support beams surrounding him.  TP in there should be an afterthought, not a concern.  Yeesh.

That one empty roll of toilet paper in three stalls, however, is not enough to deter me from declaring this to be the best San Antonio Men's Room - by far - up to this point.  It's downright spectacular; there's enough room to have some semblance of privacy, it's remarkably clean, and - located to your immediate left when entering the store - easy to find.

Ladies and Gentlemen: the Men's Room at Target Park North is SA Men's Room Review's first five-pucker.