5 Musts for Every Men's Room

I know: after three months of blogging about San Antonio men's rooms, I am now considered the world's foremost authority in South Texas Lavatorial Research Involving Cities Facing an Obesity Epidemic (or the STLRICFOE, as it's called).  It's an honor to be thought of as such; not since being awarded a case of 'Pimp Juice' from placing in a national comedy competition have I felt so privileged and... awake.

So to those of you in San Antonio either opening or upgrading businesses who have no idea what to put in your Men's Rooms, consider the following complimentary Men's Room design advice from your good buddy, Nick.  Men take our Men's Rooms seriously, and if you want our business, you've got to show us you care.

There are five absolute MUSTS for every San Antonio Men's Room, each of which ranges in expense (from free common sense to about $1,600).  Please bear in mind: I am a frequent user of your Men's Rooms (more frequent now than ever before, thanks to a blog and swelling prostate), and am thus COMPLETELY biased toward the "end" user.

**Snicker.**


So, without further ado, The 5 Things you need to have in your San Antonio Men's Room.

1.) AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF DOUBLE-PLY TOILET PAPER

Most.  Appropriate.  Endorsement.  Ever.

Yes, it is usually your urinals that get the most traffic, but sometimes a man just needs a place to sit.  Whether to do his business or just lock himself in that little shaky-walled cell for a few moments, the Men's Room stall is really the only place a busy man has a chance to get away from the hustle of his daily life.

On occasion, that break consists of wiping the place down.  We all know that's really more just for peace of mind than anything else, but we do like to think that there'll be enough in the canister for us to get the place looking respectable before we use it.  Also, South Texas is the destination point for the world's allergies, so it'd be nice if we had some tissue to blow our noses.

"But what about handkerchiefs?"

Ick.

By nature, men aren't wasteful.  Sure, we do some things in excess (c'est la vie, liver!), but when it comes to toilet paper, most of the time we just use what we have to use, then go about our merry way.  We won't stockpile your TP to take back to our place, or papier-mache a zeppelin, so don't worry about us wasting too much.  Just have it in there.

And on the paper itself: double-ply, please.  Single-ply shreds on contact with atmospheric humidity; you're not fooling anyone, cheapskate.

All you need to do is have one of your attendants, busboys, or managers check your stash in there every couple of hours, asking them to put themselves in your customers' shoes.  If it looks anemic, change it.  And don't worry - you're cost per roll is, what, two bucks?  Keep those things stocked, and we'll be back to spend more money to cover your costs.

Check out here, here, or here if you don't think you're getting a good deal on 2-ply for your Men's Room.

2.) CLEAN FLOORS

If it was so clean in that house, what was with all the mice?

I know: "but they'll get dirty anyway!"  Listen: men shouldn't have to use the urinals with their feet spread apart more than shoulder width to avoid getting pooling on their shoes.  There's a reason 'Man at Urinal' is not a yoga pose - even Yogis don't care to do it.

Given that this kind of pooling tends to happen as a result of the "pouring water slowly from a glass" effect (TECHNICALLY not a real scientific term), it is normal to have some wet spots at the base of your urinals.  We expect to see at least some water damage in every Men's Room we enter.  But put some effort into minimizing it, would you?  A little bit is no problem, but some places allow that spot to build up into an oil slick, thinking that nearby drain they never clean will suffice.

Also, we drop stuff.  Our pants hit the ground when we sit, and occasionally our cell phones, wallets, and car keys take a spill as well.  We would like to assume the resulting damage is trivial; no use going back to the office or visiting with a client if part of us smells like a Somali drainage ditch.

Here and here for inexpensive brooms, mops, and wipes to make your place look and smell better.

3.) DOORS THAT ACTUALLY LOCK

Still not a strong enough lock.

Not sure at what point society said "eff the courtesy knock," but it has.  Instead of knocking on the door, waiting for a response, and slowly checking to see if a stall is occupied, people push first and knock later.  Knocking now a mere afterthought, it's time you upgrade your Men's Room locks.

No longer will that "stalled entry" lock do.  You need a "liquor-store-in-a-ghetto" lock: a bolt that either tunnels through the door frame at the main entry, or a bar that crosses the stall door so that the only way it will be forced open is if the entire set of stalls comes down with it.  Instead of a light wrap with their knuckles, San Antonians now knock is with their shoulder, like everyone's suddenly a door buster in Iraq.

"No, we didn't order any hummus..."

Remember: sometimes, we just want a place to sit.  Your San Antonio Men's Room has to provide at least one place where we can do so uninterrupted.  If you have merchandise and a good Men's Room, we'll GLADLY spend the money to cover your costs.  You could even put a sign on the door saying it's for paying customers only; just be sure to have plenty of gum and peanuts on your shelves for us to buy.

Here, here, and here are some places you can shop for locking systems and partition lock suggestions.

4.) CLEAN TOILETS AND URINALS

The more chemicals, the better.  Plenty of organic stuff was already in there.

You'd think this would be a no-brainer, but there are some places in San Antonio that call themselves "Men's Rooms" that wouldn't even pass as Tijuanan outhouses.  Granted, I've never seen anything as bad as the Tarasco Bar's Men's Room (the bar Cheech runs at the beginning of 'Desperado,' and no, you don't get that picture here), but there are a few that seem to be gunning for it.

After all, it DID come with a secret door!

Look: we go into Men's Rooms with this understanding that those things are only relatively clean.  That's why we don't eat - or even chew gum - in there.  If you've got obvious collateral damage, you're crushing our attempted worldview, and our visit to your Men's Room will be overtly disgusting.  Which is sad, because that's our world; your Men's Room is escapism, an attempt to get away from our daily hustle and bustle.  We want reality kept as far away as possible in there.

And cleaning your toilets and urinals is the least expensive maintenance you can do.  $20 gets you a scrubber, bowl cleaner, and industrial rubber gloves; your Manager On Duty can just walk through the Men's Room every hour or so to check for "Ewies," cigarette butts, and tobacco pouches.

Here and here are places where you can buy everything you need to do the light upkeep that will bring us back for repeat usage (and, thus, repeat business).    

5.) A SOLID HAND-WASHING STATION

As far as I'm concerned: EVERY day is Global Handwashing Day.

God made soap for a reason: so that people can use public restrooms and return to society without having to join a leper colony.  I think it was on the Eighth Day He created it, alongside hot water, paper towels, and hand blowers.

Stock up on soap, as we use it for everything from washing our hands to quick shaves before meetings, and make sure your water gets nice and hot.  There's no greater Men's Room let down than a faucet that only kicks out cold water: we know you're doing it just to save money.

And on the drying of our newly cleaned hands: paper towels are the clear winner.  While the traditional brown ones are cheap and functional, whoever replaces those things always stacks them too tight; when you fight to pull out one, you wind up pulling out seven.  Don't need seven; you're wasting money here.

The best paper towel dispenser is the one with the lever on the side you pull down to administer the drying amount you need.  You can control portions better, and the teeth on them are always sharp.  They're easy to use, and you won't have to worry about that little motion sensor not picking up motion, leading to wet pants and customer complaints.

But if hand-blowing is the route you want to go, the best blow-for-the-buck is the Xlerator by Excel Drying (around $500).  It's easy on the eyes and blows a gale-force wind that will dry your hands in no time.  But - BUT - if you've got the dough, the Air Blade by Dyson makes the Xlerator's blow seem like it has Smoker's Lung.  It's about $1,600, but the wind circulates where you put your hands, and you get dryer quicker.  Both are awesome and sleek, but it's not my money you're spending on your Men's Room...

Here, here, and here for hand washing station supplies.

So there it is: the longest and most informative post you will find on the internet.  Okay, regarding Men's Rooms in San Antonio, at least.

Please comment if you've got any suggestions, and thanks so much for trusting me to help design your Men's Room!